Destiny is Tea Bag Shaped

‘I’m sorry but you were not successful today,’ I tell candidate four over the phone. I pause to sense how the news is taken before offering a few pointers and good wishes. I can remember the disappointment, if only at the thought of having to go through the whole wretched process yet again. Tired of rejections, I threw the application form for my present post in the kitchen bin. The next day I had second thoughts. Just one tea bag splat and I would have been forced to apply elsewhere. Such is destiny. In fact most of the applicants at this time of year are more than appointable. But by June it will be harder to find a Language teacher than a buyer for a Gateshead semi with a view of Northern Rock. So heads race to get their adverts in first, process them with the speed of a microwave ready meal and keep an eye on the competition. If my colleague at Kingsbridge, for example, is interviewing for an English teacher on Tuesday, I’ll do my best to call the applicants on Monday. And I justify it by telling myself I’m saving them from a dull life in the back of beyond.

At least the artificiality of the day is over by the time I make the calls- from the practised handshakes to suits so dark and sharp they can’t have been worn since the graduation ceremonies.

The first to arrive recently was unaware that I happened to be watching from my second floor window. He got out of the red sports car and carefully placed his files and notes on the roof. His girlfriend, driver and perhaps car owner, smoothed his hair and helped him fasten his tie. At that moment a gust of wind sent his notes around the tarmac and the next five minutes were spent in a hasty dance of retrieval. Predictably his interview was just as chaotic.

The teaching presentation causes the most concerns. I explain that it’s just one of the many ways we assess them. If it goes badly they can explain why in the interview. All factors will be taken into account- not just one aspect. We can understand if they can explain. If only schools had the same leeway. ‘Sorry, but results are down because we ran out of time.’

Towards the close of the interview comes the moment when we ask if they have any questions for us. I groan inwardly when they take out their little notebooks and prepare to take another ten minutes grilling us. Warning: ‘Can you account for the dip in your 2006 results?’ is not a great note to finish on.

Selection involves taking a wide range of factors into account from the application and reference through to performance on the day. A governor once confessed to me that he chose by imagining who would make the most interesting dinner companion. It’s not as silly as it sounds.

If only the Department for Creating Statistical Fatigue (DCSF) would use a wide range of measures when ranking schools, instead of one raw figure. That would be good news for the next generation of teachers.